I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
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