I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Randomize
