I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
