you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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