The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
