Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
