Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Randomize
