Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
Randomize
