my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
