you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
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