I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Randomize
