im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize