can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Randomize
