Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Randomize