your parents love me but you hate me
ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
