We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
I enjoy the company of your penis
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
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