I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
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