all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Randomize
