Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
