Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Randomize
