Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
Randomize
