I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
Randomize
