Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
found the other keg... it's in the tree
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
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