Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
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