I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
Pride was great cause we really can now appreciate how far we've come as gay people!
Doll, if you're still fucking strangers behind the WeHo Sonic while high on E then we've come as far as 2003...
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
Randomize
