i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
Randomize
