My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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