I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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