Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
