What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
I think i got beer on your cat.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
Randomize
