Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
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