I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
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