the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
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