Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
Randomize
