Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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