and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
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