I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
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