The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
