I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
Randomize
