it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
Randomize
