i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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