I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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