Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Randomize
