Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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