Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
