Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
Ketchup is God's man juice
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
I just googled if crying burns calories
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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