I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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