He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
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