I murdered the dance floor call the cops
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Randomize
