I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
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