I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Randomize