i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
