I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
I love how my cats smell like pot.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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