Did you see Brett Michaels get knocked on his ass?
Hurt me personally.
Knocked his cowboy hat off... Bandanna was still good though
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Randomize
