Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Randomize