My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
