I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
Randomize
