i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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